How To Train Your Hobbit I
"Now you are in for it at last, Bilbo Baggins. You went and put your foot in it that night of the party, and now you have got to pull it out and pay for it!"
Through the deep murky tunnel the hobbit crept, carefully placing one thickly-haired foot in front of the other. Soon it grew warm. He knew that his journey would not be long in ending. Sure enough, he came upon a great door not long afterwards, and his little hobbit head peeked cautiously through.
It was still lightless in the chamber, but Bilbo could make out large, dark mounds all about the room. "Treasure and gold," he thought. "But where is the dragon?" He had never seen a dragon before, but had expected that he would recognise one immediately upon seeing it.
Some have great wings like the wind
Some have fire and fierce wrath,
Some have venom on their long teeth
Some have hides like armour, tails
like steel, tongues like spears, eyes
piercing bright: some are great & golden
Some are green; some are red as
glowing iron.*
so the tales said.
Bilbo recalled the old poem now. "Red as glowing iron," he thought. "Well, if this dragon is not glowing, then I suppose it must be green or gold."
Carefully, he stepped inside. It was even hotter in here, and the air was horrid with dragon breath. If you have ever experienced a dragon breathing on you, you will know that it is a most unpleasant smell. The air that comes out is thick and heated from being near the firelighters in the beast's vast throat, and all the varying smells from the dragon's meal have been tossed together in its great belly, producing a most terrible stench. Breathing in a noseful of such poisonous odour is enough to make the strongest soldier run and hide. Thank goodness our little hobbit is no strong soldier! Sometimes the world needs a little more ordinary hobbits.
"I have come this far, after all," he told himself as he took a few trembling steps deeper into the chamber. "I have a job to do, and I intend to do it."
Slowly, with his eyes narrowed to slits and straining in the gloom, Bilbo stooped down. His fingers groped along the dusty ground until they found something hard and solid. He snatched it up. It was about the size of a large stone, and weighed rather heavily in his hand. "A piece of gold," thought he.
Then a sudden excitement filled him - a burgler indeed! - and he turned, intending to return to the dwarves with the treasure.
It was then everything went wrong.
A massive round shape crashed through the roof of the chamber and slammed onto the ground. The earth shook. Bilbo found himself staggering against one of the dark mounds, staring as more boulders (for that was what they were) appeared and promised devastation. Suddenly one of the larger mounds shook and rose, and Bilbo realised: here was the dragon!
It was much larger than he had thought. The raining boulders had made way for little streaks of sunlight to enter, and some of it fell on the beast. It was huge, with three rows of spines running down its broad mottled back (which was not green or gold by the way, but blue, and speckled with red), and a thick tail with a heavy spiked lump at the end.
Bilbo could not move.
For this to be the first dragon he saw! All he could do was shut his eyes as tight as he could and wish that he was back home in his cozy hobbit hole. If only he had not greeted the old wizard that morning!
Luckily the dragon was too distracted by the boulders that it did not notice the little intruder. With a rumble it unfolded massive wings and barrelled through the rooftop and into the sky beyond, thirsty for the blood of its home-destroyers.
Now, we will leave poor Bilbo for a while and return to the dwarves, who were anxiously waiting for their burgler.
Not much was said between them after Bilbo disappeared into the tunnel, but each was hoping that the hobbit would return very soon, safe and sound, and perhaps with a bit of gold as well. For this reason, they were all quite startled when the ground beneath them suddenly trembled and shuddered, and they all thought of the mountain giants.
"The dragon is awake!" some of them cried out.
Thorin said nothing, but frowned into the dark tunnel. Then he saw something coming up the winding passage in a rush. "It's Balin!" he exclaimed, surprised.
"Balin?"
"Balin?"
The other dwarves crowded around the doorway, but Thorin pushed them back: there would simply be no chance of Balin getting through with all the others squeezed in like that. The old dwarf reached them; he appeared to be on the verge of sharing a very important piece of news.
"The dragon!" he gasped.
"Yes, we heard - but what of it? And where is Bilbo?"
Balin had to take a deep breath before crying, "It's the wrong dragon!"
"What do you mean by this?" demanded Thorin. "Tell us!"
So Balin explained.
He had been waiting in the tunnel for a while after Bilbo continued on without him, when suddenly the ground shook, and some small stones tumbled down from the rooftop. A slight bit of light had been admitted, and Balin noticed some strange carvings on the wall. He could not read the top word, but the words underneath were written in the common tongue, and they said RED DEATH, with a crude arrow pointing in the direction Bilbo had gone.
At first Balin was puzzled; he looked around in case there were more words he had missed, and saw another saying SMAUG and pointing in the oposite way! Bilbo had gone into another dagon's lair!
The dwarves immediately began clamouring.
"We must get Bilbo out!"
"But how?"
"What do we do now, Thorin?"
"Silence!" Thorin Oakenshield looked around at them sternly. "Bilbo is our burglar, and we must look after him. Who will go with me into the tunnel?"
It was settled that Dwalin, Kili and Fili would accompany Thorin.
"You must all remain here while we are away," ordered Thorin to the others. "Move not a step, unless the dragon comes out. But stay together and keep account of one another."
With that the four appointed dwarves vanished into the gloom.
See part II!
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